


When loneliness is the only thing that stays by my side, I’ve become completely alone

by parkmochi



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt Kageyama Tobio, Hurt/Comfort, Kageyama Tobio-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-12
Updated: 2021-01-12
Packaged: 2021-03-16 16:20:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28709607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/parkmochi/pseuds/parkmochi
Summary: Tobio is confused. He’s not sure what garnered the apology. He hasn’t thought much about it for a while now since he’s tried to move on. Middle school wasn’t pleasant at all, but his experience isn’t completely their fault. He doesn’t want to put all the blame onto them, he knows he shouldn’t. There were too many factors contributing to the shitty mess that was middle school for him. However, there’s this growing darkness in his chest. It’s building up the more he stands there, listening to their apologies. The feelings he’s tried so hard to ignore because he just couldn’t deal with the emotions resulting from everything that happened at the same time.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime & Kageyama Tobio & Oikawa Tooru, Iwaizumi Hajime/Kageyama Tobio/Oikawa Tooru, Kageyama Tobio & Karasuno Volleyball Club, Kageyama Tobio & Kindaichi Yuutarou & Kunimi Akira
Comments: 7
Kudos: 302





	When loneliness is the only thing that stays by my side, I’ve become completely alone

“We’re sorry.”

Tobio startled, looking up at his upperclassmen. He wasn’t expecting this to be the topic of their conversation when he was asked by Oikawa-san and Iwaizumi-san if they could talk. He’s not sure what it was he was expecting, but it definitely wasn’t an apology.

“What?” He asked unintelligently. He’s sure he heard wrong.

“We’re sorry. I’m sorry,” Oikawa repeats.

“For what?”

“For everything. For how middle school went, for how we - I treated you. It wasn’t fair to you, you were only seeking advice,” Oikawa continues to explain to a still shocked Tobio.

Tobio is confused. He’s not sure what garnered the apology. He hasn’t thought much about it for a while now since he’s tried to move on. Middle school wasn’t pleasant at all, but his experience isn’t completely their fault. He doesn’t want to put all the blame onto them, he knows he shouldn’t. There were too many factors contributing to the shitty mess that was middle school for him. However, there’s this growing darkness in his chest. It’s building up the more he stands there, listening to their apologies. The feelings he’s tried so hard to ignore because he just couldn’t deal with the emotions resulting from everything that happened at the same time. 

Oikawa-san and Iwaizumi-san look as guilty as one can be, Tobio notices. He just can’t help but think this isn’t real, it isn’t happening. He really isn’t sure what’s led them here to him, it’s not like he’s seen them for games or practice matches. Ever since Karasuno lost to them at the Inter-High Tournament, he hasn’t seen or heard from any of the Aoba Johsai players he knows. 

Tobio furrows his eyebrows as a thought occurs to him, “Did someone force you both to do this?” He doesn’t think they would be here if they didn’t at least genuinely mean their apology, but he’s confused and all the hurt and anger he felt that’s been pushed away continues to grow inside him.

To his surprise, they both frown and look genuinely upset at the accusation as Iwaizumi-san speaks up, “Of course not. We talked recently and realized we never addressed our uncalled for behavior towards you.”

He’s still so confused. He never would have expected this conversation. It’s something he’s always hoped of having, getting an explanation for why he was the only first-year that year to receive the treatment he did by the captains themselves.

It was such a lonely three years for him, what with everything going on at home as well. His parents became increasingly distant and he was seeing them about twice a month at most, his grandfather was spending more and more time in the hospital or resting in bed. Miwa was beginning to distance herself from him more, leaving him with no one to turn to at home. School wasn’t too much fun for Tobio (it was never fun), but with no friends besides his two teammates Kindaichi and Kunimi, school became something he dreaded attending every morning. Nothing was going on besides his team becoming increasingly annoyed by Tobio and the occasional rude interactions with other people at school, but he didn’t have anyone to talk to, and it was the only thing he wanted.

“Tobio-chan?” He was pulled out of his thoughts by Oikawa-san’s voice worriedly calling out to him.

“Sorry,” he muttered. “I’m still confused, though.”

He saw Iwaizumi-san’s frown deepen, “About what, Kageyama?”

“Why are you apologizing now? After three years?” Tobio’s getting really worked up now, he’s well aware that he is. But he doesn’t know if he’s going to be able to stave off an explosion of emotions anymore. He wasn’t prepared for this topic, he was expecting when the two upperclassmen requested to talk to him Oikawa-san would just let out some taunts as he’s wont to. It’s becoming apparent to Tobio that this conversation is soon going to turn sour.

“Because Tobio-chan, we’ve - I’ve hurt you and been unreasonable in my behavior towards you.” Oikawa is giving Tobio a sad smile, hoping to portray his genuineness.

“And I haven’t been the senpai you needed. I was too cowardly to get involved between you two. I shouldn’t have been a bystander to it all. I’m sorry,” Iwaizumi adds in.

“No.”

They both startle, shock evidence in their expressions. “No?” Iwaizumi and Oikawa repeat.

“No. Stop. That’s not fair of you both to think apologizing is all you’re going to do. It’s not fair that you really only had a year of influence over me, and yet your actions dictated how the next three years were going to be like for me! It was already bad enough that my home was no longer my safe place. At least at school I had people around me. But then you, Oikawa-san, just had to ruin it for me.”

“What do you mean, Tobio-chan? What was going on at home?” 

How dare Oikawa-san direct a concerned look towards Tobio. How dare he show concern at the revelation that Tobio’s home life wasn’t the ideal situation that both upperclassmen thought it was.

“What does it matter? Nothing was going to change your mind about me then, so why would it now?” Tobio snarled.

“Kageyama, please. What was going on at home? Is something still going on at home?” Iwaizumi pleads.

Tobio can’t stand it anymore. He knows they don’t have a right to be asking for personal information from him. It wouldn’t change anything. They excluded him and picked on him, leaving others from the school with the impression that they could do so as well. It’s not fair and he won’t stand for it anymore. 

“My grandfather was constantly in the hospital for days at a time. All throughout middle school.” 

Oikawa seems to know when it’s best to not speak because he doesn’t do anything but stare as Tobio continues, “My sister had already quit volleyball. It was something we could do together with our grandfather. And then she quit and started distancing herself from me and was home less often. My parents had stopped coming home as often. I was lucky to even see them once a month.”

“Kageyama…” Iwaizumi-san didn’t know what else to say, it seemed.

Tobio continued, “My grandfather died in my second year.”

Oikawa-san had gone pale in the face earlier, but he looked even paler than Tobio thought was possible. Iwaizumi-san looked conflicted, though Tobio was not sure why.

“My sister left for Tokyo after the funeral, where she didn’t even talk to me or ask how I was doing. My parents didn’t even attend. By the time a month passed, Miwa was moved out completely and my parents stopped coming by the house. I didn’t feel anything besides numbness for the rest of that school year. But then my third year came, and I wanted to finish the year off strong, to show my grandfather that I was still working hard even if he wasn’t there to practice with me.”

“That’s why…” Iwaizumi mumbled, taking in all the information Tobio was providing.

He scoffed, “My temper? Yeah.” Tobio had been too absorbed in his grief then to realize the issue with his teammates was his boiling anger at everything. He was so focused on succeeding and he pushed everyone harder, just as he pushed himself, that he didn’t realize how wrong it was of him to do so. He was grieving, and he didn’t realize he directed all the unbridled rage and irritability towards his teammates.

“From what Kunimi and Kindaichi told us, you just seemed to change all of a sudden,” Oikawa said.

Tobio was surprised at the utter bullshit that was said. Kunimi and Kindaichi just assumed he woke up one day and decided to be full of anger. How unbelievable of Oikawa-san and Iwaizumi-san to blindly trust that.

“How could one person’s personality change so much just for the sake of it? Why did no one just ask why I was so irritable all the time? Sure, I wouldn’t have answered immediately, but it’s fucking common sense that there’s something deeper going on! But no, no one bothered. Not Kunimi, not Kindaichi, not even Coach. The only adult capable of doing something, and he did nothing.”

“Tobio-chan…”

“Even if there was no underlying reason, I still don’t find any of this fair. How could neither of you see how unfair it was for me to be treated like that when you let Kyotani-san onto your team?” 

Tobio watches Iwaizumi-san and Oikawa-san tense up as he continues, “Don’t you see how unfair that is? His temper is worse off than mine ever was. He put players at physical risk and all four of you put up with it! You worked with him! You all willingly put up with it because he’s a good player and your teammate. Why didn’t I ever get that chance?”

His breathing has become ragged. He’s overwhelmed by all the emotions raging inside of him from this conversation. He needs this conversation in order to really move on. That’s not to mean that he also wants to leave this conversation right then and there. Tobio doesn’t want to cry, which he’s prone to do when he’s really worked up. He doesn’t want to cry in front of them.

“Tobio-chan,” Oikawa starts before Iwaizumi cuts him off.

“You’re right, Kageyama. None that was fair to you.”

“No, it wasn’t. You both are the upperclassmen. Sure, there’s only a two year difference, but you should have some common decency to treat everyone with respect. And you are the ones to set the example to your underclassmen as captains of the team. Yet you encouraged the taunts and the exclusionary behavior everyone exhibited towards me. How didn’t you see anything wrong with your behavior?” Tobio realizes there are tears streaming down his face halfway through his rant. It feels so good to finally let everything out after years of repressing his emotions. His throat aches, but he can’t stop now. He fully intends to let them know of everything that concerns them.

“After I was benched and abandoned in the middle of a game, I realized my own faults and I have been working hard to fix my mess. It hasn’t even been a full year, and I wanted to change so I am working my damn ass off to make sure I never make the same mistakes again. I even went to apologize to Kindaichi and you know what he told me? Instead of simply saying he doesn’t want an apology from me, he decides it was a good idea to tell me we were never friends in the first place. I wondered how he gathered the nerve to say something like that until I realized it was the same biting tone Oikawa-san had with me constantly.” 

Tobio looks them both in the eye, though his vision of them is blurry with the tears that well up. He recalls being so unbelievably hurt by what Kindaichi said to him. He really did think the three of them were somewhat friends, definitely closer than just teammates. Thinking about it again is bringing up the ugly emotions he didn’t allow himself to stew in at that time. Tobio sniffles, wiping his face with his sweater sleeve.

“I was never your favorite underclassman, but you took to Kindaichi and Kunimi so well. I didn’t piece it together then, but I get it now. After that practice where you nearly backhanded me,” Tobio inhales sharply, eyes widening as he comes to a realization. The incident never really processed through his mind. Iwaizumi-san had cut in between them so abruptly that he didn’t realize why he needed to. It never occurred to him that Oikawa-san had almost gotten physical.

He looks up sharply at Oikawa, startling the two in front of them. “You nearly backhanded me!”

“I didn’t mean to, Tobio-chan. I’m so sorry. I was dealing with some stuff and--” Oikawa’s eyes were wide in shock. He looked disheveled as he desperately tried to explain, only to be cut off.

“That doesn’t excuse the bullying, you asshole! You never treated any other first-year as terribly as you treated me! Yeah, it’s all in the past and I’m not as hung over it now as I was then, but I looked up to you. I admired you so much, and you threw that in my face! And you,” he points to Iwaizumi, “You allowed it all to happen without intervening. A few ‘That’s enough, Oikawa’s here and there would not have stopped him, and you know that! Because he’s your best friend! You know him best and you thought just throwing a few comments would actually stop him? Some fucking senpai you were,” Tobio spits out.

He brings his hands up to squeeze his eyes as lets out a few sobs in an attempt to stop the tears from flowing. Tobio recalls his younger self being in a constant state of hurt but hardly ever letting it out. He never really allowed himself to stew in his emotions. There was always hurt, but it increased heavily as the years went by. 

Gods did everything hurt. His whole being is in physical pain. He just felt so alone for so long, and he tried to move on from everything to start anew. But then his upperclassmen came along and decided it was time to bring the past back up. 

Tobio chokes out a sob, legs giving out and he falls to the ground. His fall is softened, however, by two pairs of arms gently guiding him to the floor. 

Iwaizumi softly speaks up, “I was wondering why you didn’t show up.”

Tobio hiccups and looks at him confusedly, “What do you mean?”

“Well, we were both expecting you to go to Aoba Johsai. We sort of expected the three of you to go there, but when we didn’t see you on the first day of practice we just assumed you chose somewhere else to attend. But it makes sense now.”

“I didn’t choose to not go to Aoba Johsai. I was threatened to not go. Isn’t that right, Oikawa-san?” Iwaizumi turns to his best friend in shock as Tobio keeps going, “You came up to me after that match where I was benched, shoved me into a wall, and told me to not even think about tainting your team like I did mine. If I remember correctly.”

Tobio watches as Oikawa-san looks away guiltily from Iwaizumi-san’s questioning stare. He recalls the feeling of disappointment and hurt doubling, tripling as Oikawa-san’s intimidating stare bore into his soul, venom dripping from his voice as he told him he wasn’t welcome at Aoba Johsai. Tobio had originally planned to attend solely because that was where most people from Kitagawa Daiichi went. His second option was Shiratorizawa. 

But then neither option worked out, which led him to attend Karasuno. And boy, was that the best decision ever. He appreciated his team so much for everything they did for him, for everything they continue to do for him. He hopes he’s able to repay them somehow.

“Tobio-chan, I am so sorry,” Oikawa starts, tears welling up in his eyes. “You don’t have to accept my apology or anything, but I truly am sorry. I was so absorbed in my insecurities as a setter and I took it out on you. I know there’s no justifying it, but I want to work to earn your forgiveness. If you’ll let me.”

Tobio is surprised, to say the least. He didn’t think they would want anything more to do with him than simply apologize and relieve themselves of the guilt they felt.

“I’m sorry, too, Kageyama. I’ll also work hard to earn your forgiveness. It doesn’t have to be any time soon or even in the near future, but we want to make it up to you.” Iwaizumi patted his head while he talked.

It was nice to be doted on, Tobio thought. He’s not really sure he can forgive them yet, but they do seem genuine in wanting to make it up to him.

Tobio thinks over it for a moment before wiping his face with his sleeves and looking up at the others in front of him, “This better not make you go easy on us for the next tournament.”

Oikawa and Iwaizumi let out relieved sighs. “Of course not, Tobio-chan. We’re going to beat you at our 120% fair and square,” Oikawa says while helping Tobio up from the ground.

Tobio sniffles and accepts a napkin from Iwaizumi to blow his nose. It felt so good to finally let everything out. He didn’t realize he had been holding in so many thoughts and emotions about this. 

“I want a muffin and hot chocolate,” he declares once he pockets the used tissue. 

Tobio notices that both Iwaizumi-san and Oikawa-san wear confused frowns and goes to explain, “You’re going to make it up to me so you guys are going to buy me a muffin and hot chocolate.”

They both smile as Oikawa says, “Of course, Tobio-chan. Whatever you want.”

**Author's Note:**

> i have many thoughts and feelings about the whole middle school situation and i genuinely do not blame any one party but i do be a kageyama kin so i needed to project how i felt about this ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯


End file.
